Do I Take The Leap?

Earlier this year I applied for a program that would allow me to not worry about money and chase a creative dream of my choosing. The project this site is dedicated to was the project I pitched them, but unfortunately I was not selected.

It was devastating.

I had worked so hard to get to the point where I was ready to do this. I researched and budgeted and planned. This was the most thought out thing I’d ever done in my entire life.

It’s also something I’ve been planning for close to seven years.

So here I am, ready to go, but with a lot more on the line now. If I quit my job and take off across the country I will be giving up my income, I will be giving up my health insurance, and I will be giving up stability. Those are big things to let go of.

If you’ve ready any of my posts about my mental health, you’ll know that recently started seeing a psychiatrist and went on medication. If I give up my health insurance, I can no longer afford these things which have made such a vast improvement in my life.

On top of my fears, my team at work is in the middle of a huge project and as soon as it’s done they will be starting on another big project. There is no worse time of year for my to leave than right now. And it’s not just a normal amount of guilt of leaving my team behind, my mom is my boss’s boss. I wouldn’t just be letting down the company, I would be letting down my mom.

That’s hard.

But what it comes down to for me is happiness. I’m not happy where I am. I’m not happy with my living situation, I’m not happy with my job, I’m not happy. And I want to be happy.

I want to be excited to get up and work every morning and I know what it is that makes me that happy: videos. To wake up every morning somewhere new and to be able to create content that I’m proud of that connects with people is my dream job.

I want so badly to take this leap, but I’m terrified. Why though? What am I so afraid of?

Worst case scenario, I blow through my savings. That’s it. That’s the worst case scenario. Six months ago I didn’t have a savings. Yeah I worked hard to pay off all my debts and build up that savings, but I survived for a long time without it and I can do it again.

I think what scares me the most is my family. I’m afraid that I will take this leap and everyone will think I’m crazy or that it’s a bad idea and if I don’t succeed in their eyes then it will have been for nothing. I’m scared of what other people will think. Which is dumb.

This is something that is going to make me happy, even if I “fail” I’ll still be glad I tried. That’s what matters. All I have to do now is believe it and take the leap. (And talk to my doctor about we make this work).