Living For You

The person I am right now is so different from the person I was a month ago. And that person is different from the person I was a year ago.

The person I was for most of my life wanted to live her life in service of those around her. She wanted to make sure that everyone around her was always happy, no matter what that meant for her. She would even take on roles that weren’t really her to make sure that everyone around her had what they needed. Or what she thought they needed.

On swim team when her friends needed a punching bag, she pretended like the jokes were funny. She would even get in on it and make fun of herself too. She would laugh with them and act like those jokes didn’t hurt. Because they needed someone to do that. It made them feel good. And at least she had people to laugh with.

In college, she still took on that role, but to a lesser extent. That wasn’t really what her friends needed, at least not all of them. In college she was sort of the screw up. She wore her pajamas to class. She sat in the back. She partied a lot. She was always the drunkest in the room. Because it kept her friends from being that person. It protected them. Even if they were annoyed they had to take care of her.

After college, she became the wife. She would cook, she would bake, she would take care of bills, she would help him in anyway he needed. Because he needed help. He needed someone to look out for him. To take care of him. So she became that person.

When he left for the military, she didn’t cry. She didn’t show any emotion at all. She was strong on the outside. He needed that. But it wasn’t just him that needed it, it was his family. She needed to be strong so they could fall apart. It wasn’t her turn. On the inside she was dying. 

With every new role, she died a little inside and she lost herself a little more.

But here’s the thing. No ever told me that’s what they needed. No one ever asked me to be those people and do those things. And frankly, I think a lot of the time the people in my life would have liked the real me more than the person I was pretending to be. But I was scared. 

If I was to these people what I thought they needed, I didn’t have to be myself and so if they didn’t like me, it was okay. That wasn’t really me. 

But then I got divorced, and I realized for the first time in a long time that I had no one to serve and I had to be myself. But I had been so many people for so long, I didn’t know what was really me and what wasn’t.

In the past year since getting divorced, I’ve learned a lot about myself. And I’ve started living for me instead of for other people. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame anyone for me losing myself. That was 100% my fault. I did that. I told myself it was in service of the people around me. I told myself this was what they needed. And I hid behind that.

I was never a very good friend. I was never a very good girlfriend or wife. I wasn’t even that great of a family member. Because I always hiding. I was always scared. I didn’t like the person I thought I was and I definitely didn’t like the people I was pretending to be. And I brought that into each relationship, romantic and platonic.

What I’ve learned since I started living for me, is that you really can’t be there for other people if you aren’t there for yourself first. The more I gave to the people around me, the more I took from myself until there was nothing left.

But there are healthy ways to be there for the people around you. By living for me, by understand me, by loving me, I’m able to be a better friend, a better girlfriend, a better sister and daughter. 

Knowing who I am and loving who I am has changed everything for me. I still have a long way to go, but I hope that the people in my life still like me or better yet, like me even more now.